This is a written Transcription for the Leadership Hustle episode about Mastering Emotional Intelligence in the Workplace, from Season 1 Episode 25.

Listen to the full episode below, or click here to listen on your podcast platform of choice.

Andrea Frederickson: In this episode of The Leadership Hustle, we'll talk about ways in which you can put emotional intelligence to action. Hello, and welcome to the Leadership Hustle for executives whose companies are growing fast and need leaders who are ready. So as we mentioned, this episode is about emotional intelligence. And for decades, so since the 80s, I've been talking about emotional intelligence. And you and I have had hundreds of conversations about emotional intelligence. And yet it's surprising to me, at least, the number of people like, really, what is EQ like? What is that? Are you finding the same thing?

 

Michelle Hill: Definitely.

 

Andrea Frederickson: So. So we thought today what we would do is we'd talk a little bit about what is it? And then more importantly, what do you do with it? So so emotional intelligence. It's probably one of the greatest skills that, um, those of us that possess it and improve on it, um, have, as it's related to our success. So just just to give you a little bit of a backstory, most of us are in our intelligence and our personalities don't change much after our teenage years. You know, there's there's not much. And I can I can literally like, watch people's thought bubbles. Go ahead. It's like I'm not the same as I was in junior high or high school. And like, thank goodness. Because really what's going on is that's what is emotional intelligence is kicking in. What you've done is you've learned to recognize under what circumstances to adjust your behavior, or you recognize that something that you're doing isn't really helping. So, you know, the short version is self-aware, and adjusting your behavior to be better with the person that you're working with or you're talking to, but also to be others aware. Yes. And then to adjust, ultimately improving the relationship. That's what you're doing. And some people do it consciously. Some people don't feel like they're doing it consciously, but it has become that. So what are some of the things that you're finding?

 

Michelle Hill: Well, through the years we have used what we refer to as well. It's called the disc and it's a personality assessment, which we use it as a tool to help us develop our our self-awareness, learn more about what just comes natural to us and some of those things that come naturally natural to us. We may even say, or people will say, oh, I used to be that way, but I'm not now. Which means they've been becoming more aware and responding differently. Right. Um, but oftentimes what I will hear people do is use it as an excuse. They do. The disc disc has their own acronyms. Not to go too deep into it, but the D, I'll just use that one because I land up there in the D area to dominance and the dominance. And that is where, you know, you can be direct to the point you can really come across if you're not careful, depending on your passion and excitement and stress and all these things, you can come across as a big jerk. I'm going to use the word jerk and versus the other word right? Right that comes to you comes to mind. But people will say, well, that's just me. When, when, when. Yeah, yeah. And I'm like, you know, as I take it they get the results and, you know, they will say, oh my gosh, you know, were you following me around? How do you know? You know, but then instead of saying, you know, because my question is, okay, so what are you going to do different. When do you get, you know, when do you feel those emotions and what are the things could you do differently. Stop doing and start doing. But they start using it as an excuse. Well, that's just me, right?

 

Andrea Frederickson: I love it when they read this like, oh, and I have justification to be a jerk. Yeah. Like no no no no no, that's not.

 

Michelle Hill: What or don't let my spouse see this I already know. Yeah well that's why. Yes. Because I always give them feedback on it. Right. And they've done nothing with it. They continue to do nothing with it. And that's the problem is there's no action once and it's not everyone. But once we start learning more about what we're like, we think or we believe to be true through different assessments and feedback and so forth. Right. Um, it's the fact that we just justify it then versus saying, okay, how can I be better? Yes, this is a natural response for me, but it doesn't mean it has to be my natural response. I can condition my, you know, train myself to, to be better.

 

Andrea Frederickson: Well, and as a leader, you know, it's our responsibility to make the adjustments so that the person and the people that we work with get the results they need, right. So if we're believing that, well, I am just a jerk. I'm not. Now I have the report to prove it right. Yeah. Then what? I then it's just. Well, then you have to adapt to me like, nope. Leadership says let's make some changes and adjust so that they can be the best that they can be. That may mean that you have to temper your impatience. You have to temper your choice of directness. You have to. Temper it a little bit. So and that's just with D. So you can go through each of the four different personality styles or the 12 combinations, whichever way you want to look at that. But the point becomes personality doesn't change, but you can change your behavior under the circumstances and recognize that though when you're tired or stressed or pushed in some fashion, you might default to this direct personality in this case, or your default personality, because that is a trait that is what you're born with. Yes, but the state is the ability to adjust your behavior to accommodate the right circumstances.

 

Michelle Hill: Recognizing when I'm there. And I like to use the rubber band as an example. Our default personality is just like a normal rubber band before you stretch it. But as we are learning our emotional intelligence and becoming more self aware, those that rubber bands, stretching and stretching and that stretching takes energy and effort, right?

 

Andrea Frederickson: Calories.

 

Michelle Hill: A lot of calories. Yes. And you know, and the more you do it, the easier it, the less stress or the less, um, energy it takes. Right? But you have to be very intentional up front to practice it because it's a new habit you have to create. So the idea is, is keeping that rubber band stretched for the most part. But when we are tired and stressed, like you said it does, it defaults back to the original what it can be because we.

 

Andrea Frederickson: Don't have the energy to maintain. Yeah. So so this episode is really about so we understand emotional intelligence is self-aware and to adjust to accommodate our, our audience or to get the most from the relationship and to be others aware, like what did they need from us to to understand us better, to to go the direction we need them to go, whatever that reduce misunderstandings, reduce assumptions. So we talked about the disc as being one tool that can give us some insight into our own. And as you learn more about the different personality types, you know what they might need. You know, might they need more time to process something? Might they need an agenda so that they can prepare differently? You know, there's all kinds of things. What are some of the other tools that you have found or other techniques that you have found that help people become more aware besides a disorder? Yeah. Or some kind of personality report?

 

Michelle Hill: Well, feedback. Okay. But sometimes you just don't like it. So when people say it, you might not like what they have to say. You might even disagree. But it's their perspective right on your actions. And again, if you're very direct, that can feel, um, and if your voice is raised a little bit your volume, you know, if you're talking fast, it can it can feel overwhelming to some people. Right, right.

 

Andrea Frederickson: So let's talk a little bit about feedback because. As much as some people will say, yeah, I want the feedback. It sometimes depends on who's giving it.

 

Michelle Hill: Oh, it always does.

 

Andrea Frederickson: And understanding, you know. Do you agree with it. So, you know, just understand that regardless of who's giving you feedback, if you're asking for it, please ask for feedback from people who you might not agree with because or might not like either one, because that doesn't take away the fact that what you are doing or how you are acting has this kind of an impact on this other person. And it could either be true, right? Right.

 

Michelle Hill: It doesn't mean it stops with them. It definitely is going to be impacting others very similar.

 

Andrea Frederickson: So manage the lens of like dislike.

 

Michelle Hill: Yeah your biases.

 

Andrea Frederickson: Right. Or manage the the lens of do you agree with it or disagree with it. Because if you disagree with it, that doesn't mean it's not true. No. Right. We might have to test it and see if other people are noticing. Now you can't ask people to question. I don't shake my head when I have this. When I disagree with something right away, do I? Because like, you're already telling them what you're right. It's like, no, no. It's like, what do I do when I disagree with you? Tell me what my body language is. Tell me what my you know, what words do I use? You know, how do you feel when I disagree with you? Yeah. Ask those questions because you need to test it. So asking for feedback. Who is it and do you agree with that are two lenses that we have to be careful of though. Otherwise what's the point?

 

Michelle Hill: Correct. Because once you've asked for it, now they are going to be looking for you to maybe do something with it. And I like asking the questions, you know? You know, at times we might disagree. What is it that I do that you might find frustrating or maybe prevents us from being able to have open conversations to solve whatever's we're working on? Right. Um, you know, so asking I like to call more safe, open ended questions because people can ask open ended questions, but it doesn't mean a person's going to respond honestly if they don't feel like, if they feel they're getting set up right, or if they feel there's just not that safety there.

 

Andrea Frederickson: This is an example. This is an exact time to manage your emotional intelligence. So you ask for feedback, right? So I asked Michelle. So Michelle, how do I react when I disagree with you and you say, well, what you normally do is you start looking away and you're, you know, your face gets all bunched up and frowny and I'm like, no, I don't. She's like one of the one. One of the two things is going to happen. She's either going to shut down and say that wasn't worth it or she can. Maybe she's she feels safe enough with me. Maybe she knows me well enough. She can say, honestly, you do, right? But it's our reaction. That's a moment right there where we are practicing our emotional intelligence. So the response might be, okay, give me an example. Tell me more about that. Is it more under this circumstance or give me, you know, just tell me more and then just take it. Thank them for the feedback. But if you go um, then it happening. So the likelihood of her giving me feedback the next time is completely diminished. Correct? Correct.

 

Michelle Hill: And then the idea is one obviously thanking them, you know, gaining their perspective through asking for details, thanking them for being honest and helping you. Yes. Um, and then the most important, which is really why we're talking right now, it's about doing something, freaking with it. You know, it's take some action, identify what is it I want to start working on. Right. And then ask for feedback or not necessarily feedback. I'm sorry. Ask for help from others to say people that are in your your in-group that you trust, right. You know, give them an example. This is what I'm working on. This is why I believe it's important. Um, can you help me? You know, if you notice me doing X, can you give me some feedback? Or if you notice me not doing it, give me, you know, give me some feedback when it's appropriate. Sometimes it might be after a meeting. Yep. Uh, um, not necessarily on the spot. And sometimes it might be on the spot. It might be, um, you know, where the person calls you out in a helpful way, whether or not you guys agree on what they might say when you're doing it. So that way it's not too obvious to everyone else in the room. But or shoot them a little note, text them, whatever it may be, or even.

 

Andrea Frederickson: After the meeting, say, Hey Michelle, can you stay after I've got a question for you and just say, so tell me, are you noticing a difference of how I reacted today? Was it different? Was it the same, or did I miss the boat? Yeah. And seeing what kind of things that will occur from there, you know, you know today's episode about you know. Yep. We are we're smart or we wouldn't be in these roles. Right. We're smart enough to do what? What's needed. Um, we come to the table with a personality. We come to the table either you know, with, you know, a very big personality or animated personality or or or a little bit more introverted and, um, look at perspectives and retro reflect on things. Um, so there's lots of things within those. But the reality is. You know, why is it important for us to even adjust our behavior? I mean, we just like, why do we have to do this? It's like, why do I need this feedback? And sometimes we get people to argue. It's like, I don't want to do that. Like, okay.

 

Michelle Hill: No, you're not going to if you don't want to, right? I mean, you've already solved that one. You know.

 

Andrea Frederickson: The number of people that we coach individually is significant. And I would say emotional intelligence is a part of every conversation. Yes. Every conversation it is. Okay. So when you say that, what does your face look like to them? Or what's the behavior that happens right after they do that? Or are you noticing what they're doing or not doing in as a result of X? Yeah, I have a group that I meet with monthly, and when it's my turn to host, um, I am hyper aware of what the room is like. It's like, what's the temperature like? And do people have coffee and are the snacks full and do the markers work? And you know, all these little things and the and one of the members is always saying, Andre, you're so hyper aware of, you know, making sure everybody's okay. I said, because they're in my home. Like, whether, you know, it's in my building, but it's in our space and being aware of how other's comfort is. Has a direct impact on how willing are they? Listen to the speaker. How willing are they to consider or challenge us like we need to if we can take away some of those other areas, but we have to watch some of those things, awareness of it. Right? So it's not just the how do you people act or react to conversation, it is what is the environment like and are you adjusting the environment around based upon? Others aware. And so looking at not just the the communication styles but the physical environment and how people are, are functioning well.

 

Michelle Hill: And just to add one thing real quick, when people are talking about, you know, the the feedback they receive or the things that they maybe they don't like or kind of question, you know, they disagree with a little bit. I like to ask the question, well, what was your intention? You know, when when you spoke up, when you said X, what was your intention? What were you trying to accomplish? Did you accomplish that? Because usually they didn't at that point. Right. So what do you need to do differently, right, to help have a better impact to be able to accomplish that? Because that's their goal is about whatever it is, their intentions in trying to accomplish it. And that goes back to a little bit about the why, right. And because you have to personalize that why it's got to be important to them. Otherwise they're not going to do anything with it.

 

Andrea Frederickson: Well, and recognizing that when we're in meetings, we're either advocating for something, we're advocating for this answer, my answer, this proposal, this thing, or we're inquiring. And if we can spend more time inquiring, then we can. Then we're much more aware of listening to what the other person is saying, what they're not saying, what their body language is. And so it's, you know, we use the word curiosity a lot, but it really is that, that inquiring about where a person is coming from and that is a direct link to others aware, and so you can move things forward. Correct. Thanks for joining us today on the Leadership Hustle. If you're looking for more resources on emotional intelligence, check us out at our website at ravilla group.com. And don't forget to subscribe so you never miss another episode.