Leadership Skills: How You Receive Feedback Matters

This is a written Transcription for the Leadership Hustle episode about Leadership Skills: How You Receive Feedback Matters, from Season 1 Episode 6.

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Receiving Feedback: FULL WRITTEN TRANSCRIPT

Andrea Frederickson: Receiving feedback is crucial to you as a leader, not only receiving it, but giving it. In this episode of Leadership Hustle, we'll talk about the kinds of feedback that you deliver, but also the lenses that people listen through as they receive the information you have to provide. Hello and welcome to the Leadership hustle for executives whose companies are growing fast and need leaders who are ready. Hey, this is Andrea Fredrickson, and I am here with Michelle. Today we're talking about receiving feedback. And, you know, with with giving or giving and receiving feedback. One of the things we we concentrate on, you know, with executives and leaders is making sure that they're giving good feedback to others and mean people are coached on it. You know, we talk about all the time making sure we're doing that. But one thing we don't spend enough time on, not only in just general leadership development, but as a society and and as a whole, I don't think we spend enough time teaching people how to receive feedback. And the fact that the stories that we're probably telling ourselves as we're receiving that feedback isn't always complete or accurate. So, you know, I think that's I think this is a great episode to talk about how people not only leaders, but also individuals receive that feedback so well.

Michelle Hill: So just kind of starting off with that idea, what what do you think people do wrong?

Andrea Frederickson: Well, I think that, you know, when when people are giving feedback, they're assuming that people understand that the intention behind that feedback is for good. It's like, I'm just trying to help you. I'm just trying to let you know this. And we even use the word well, I'm just trying to to soften it, right? I have a friend, Kevin. He taught me this phrase years and years ago. He said that feedback is for the giver, not the receiver. And I remember thinking about that. What? And it was really just the meaning that that the feedback is I'm trying to help, but that doesn't mean that the other person is ready to receive. Yes. And so I think that we don't prepare people. We just spew information and let people take it for what it means.

Michelle Hill: Yes. And it's what, you know, do people want it? And if they don't want it at that moment, in the moment that we choose to give it to them, they're not going to necessarily the lenses and how they receive it are not going to be as open and interpreted in a way where it's coming from a good place.

Andrea Frederickson: Right. I don't think that people understand the kinds of feedback that we give out. So research shows us that the kinds of feedback are affirmation. So the smile that your child gives you for showing up at a ball game, right? That you got feedback right there. Non verbals non-verbals the thank you that you gave somebody an appreciation for. I noticed you that I appreciate the fact that you did this extra thing that kind of feedback is is important and most of the time assumed that you know it and that's not necessarily understood. Second kind of feedback is that you're coaching. The coaching is I believe there's a way that you can do things better. Now, whether or not they want it is a whole nother story, which I think we should get into. But the third is an evaluative feedback. It's a ranking on some kind of a scale, whether it is how you're doing on performance, how you're doing on goals, how are we doing in relationship to other people you've been involved with. But but that evaluative and we oftentimes are unclear as to what type of feedback that we're giving. Therefore it's hard for the person who's receiving to understand what the what the difference is or how to receive it and how to interpret those kinds of things.

Michelle Hill: Yes. Yes. So I also think with with that concept or that idea, it's it's we don't take the time to set the stage with the individuals. Right. It's it's everything from when you're interviewing to bringing them on that you know, how do you prefer to receive feedback. This is why we you know we believe feedback does X, right? Right. So with that being said, how do you prefer to receive it? And it's that constant repetition of them hearing it so you can start conditioning them that we're doing it with the intent. So again, our intentions, which I know we talk a lot about intentions, our intentions are about helping them grow, not it's not about our necessarily about our opinion. Right? It's it's or I guess we'll sometimes say, is it a I want to call it the other way, but is it a preference? Yes. Is it a preference over procedure? And a lot of times it will feel like it's a preference. And so people don't necessarily engage in it. But if we can set that stage right and help people understand the intent behind it can help us be more successful. And how do they prefer and when's that right timing, just because you think of it and you walk over to tell someone at that moment doesn't mean they're in the right mindset at that moment. So I always like to it's like a little mini ask is I want to chat about X, this is a good time or. Or when would that work? Kind of scenario. So well.

Andrea Frederickson: So Client tells me a story about having their one on ones and in the one on one she had an employee come to her and she's like in the one on one, she's already teary and she's like, I didn't understand. Why is this person already teary coming into the meeting? And so rather than really going into the conversation of the of what the one on one was entailed. One on ones are a whole nother episode, folks. We will get there later. But in this particular situation, the person was like, every time we do our one on ones, I don't hear anything that I'm doing well. All I hear is we need to fix this and we need to fix that and we need to fix this and we need to fix that. And this person needed the affirmation whether or not that the information was being said or whether it was intended to be said, it was missing that person's ears. Okay? And so we have to recognize that when a person's receiving the information, they're the one interpreting the message and making an opinion or coming to a conclusion about what is happening. An unintended by the leader. It was like I had no idea I wasn't her intention to only make things better. Now I remember thinking this was from my dad. My dad was like, What about this? And what about this? Like, isn't this good enough yet? You know, and just getting that feedback And that wasn't what he was intending. It was, I have other ideas. Not that yours was wrong, but he never said, not that yours was wrong. It's I'm thinking these are ideas that are coming to me. And so the misunderstanding between that leader and that employee or me and my father decades ago, you know, that I had to overcome and recognize what his his intentions, intentions were.

Michelle Hill: Yeah. That's why it's so that's that whole how we get it started. And, you know, when you think about even that scenario, right, you also have to take into consideration and I think this is where people kind of drop the ball is what are the people around you? What are their preferences? Because some people prefer more appreciation. They they actually get energy from receiving those positive things that we can tell them. I mean, everyone needs to hear them, right? But some prefer it and need it more than others. Right. And really knowing your audience and the behaviors. Right. And what's important to them, you may feel I don't really I just want to get to how do we get better? And they want to know what they've done well. And yeah, they want to know how they can get better too. But it's it's we have to make sure we're spending time on this and then spending time on this again. Those are going to be separate. They don't have to be separate conversations but specific. So people know that notice that transition. So they feel good because if if that situation if they feel like they're every time I go in here, it's never good enough. It's always they've that's the lens and how they're going to view them going on and then they leave there feeling beat up, which is not exactly the idea behind a one on one.

Michelle Hill: Right. And also, what I heard you say in that in that scenario was ideas. It's important we think about, again, our audience, because as leaders in the organizations and I'm not a big title person, I really don't care for titles. But some people where a person is in hierarchy, in an organization that really matters in the sense of they want to please that person, right? And so if they really if that's something that's really important to them, that's an internal driver. And the feedback they get from that person is always this, this. And it's an opinion, though again, it can it can just really tear them down. Right. And so it's important that as we are giving feedback, it's more along the lines of one, engaging them. What are ideas they have, What do they think went well? What would they what would they want to do different? Have you thought about. I had some ideas after looking at this. Have you thought about this? What if you did that? How might that work? It's a string of of conversations where it's getting their their interaction and engagement as well, not just the one way.

Andrea Frederickson: So in addition to that, like understanding what the intentions are, we have to also recognize that as a person, here's the feedback. It's going to be filtered through a couple of different I want to call lenses, but I'm mixing up my metaphors here. So, you know, the one lens is that when they hear the information, however it is, is delivered, it is whether or not they agree with it. Is it the truth? Do they agree with it? Is it false? Like it's just like that's just not right. Right. Okay. And so they're listening to Well, you know, Michelle, your shirt is black. And I'm like, no, it's not. It's dark gray. And it's like, now it's right and wrong, regardless of any other filter that we have. Yes. The second filter is our relationship filter. Who is delivering the information and what is your relationship to that person? So if Michelle is giving me information and I believe that she has it against me, she has it out for me, I'm going to care less or receive that information more negatively because it's filtered through. She she's already out for me. So I'm not even going to take that information in the way that it is or that this manager already thinks I don't do well, or that coworker is just a blithering idiot. So whatever that relationship is in the minds of the receiver will filter that information and.

Michelle Hill: Well, that's at the foundation trust, right? I mean, a lot of the things you just talked about is I don't trust them. They, I don't trust them because they don't believe in me. I don't trust them because they they're disrespectful. I mean, it's all about that. What have we been doing to build that trust and those relationships? So they will receive that feedback in through that lens of the intention, Right?

Andrea Frederickson: And then the third lens that filter that people listen through is what stories they are telling themselves about the feedback. So if I hear feedback that I am not communicating well with my coworkers, I might have a story in my head that tells me I'm a horrible team member. Like people don't like me. I was like, That has nothing to do with it. It's just a matter of I just need more information. I need it within 24 hours. I need it timely. You know, those are the kinds of things. And so these stories that that we tell ourselves sometimes are either incomplete or inaccurate and we cannot hear how the person's receiving it. So, you know, let's think of what are some of the things that we can do to help deliver feedback in a way so that the intentions are understood, so that people are not horrible izing, you know, what the story is, but also looking for ways that they can take the nugget and say sometimes it's not the who, it's the what, right? It's like, what part of this message do we need to pay attention to? Yes.

Michelle Hill: Yes. And it's it's also that belief system, too, in influencing, you know, where feedback isn't. You know, sometimes we don't like it. We don't want to hear it. But there's always somewhere in this feedback, some truth that I can take away, I can learn from.

Andrea Frederickson: But how many times people say, Oh yeah, I want feedback, I'm like, until you don't, right? Yeah. Yes. There's always some nugget in there.

Michelle Hill: That's right. And but we need the feedback, need the feedback, and we need to have that open mind to receive it. So when it comes on that receiving side, what we when we think about receiving side of it, what are things, whether it is the, you know, the leaders in the organization that they can demonstrate they can talk about that help their people grow and get more comfortable in receiving because couple things when you when just real quick when you go into a lot of the science, the research that's being done on the science, the brain scans of the brains. Right. No matter what, who's given it or receiving it, it's fear is what lights up. But when we give feedback and we receive it, our brain is fear, right? So what are those things or suggestions that you're thinking that can help reduce that fear?

Andrea Frederickson: So as a leader, remember, we're talking about helping a person receive feedback, but I also want you to filter this through as you are receiving feedback yourself, right? So when we're doing that, asking the question or making the statements like I know you have this, I know that you have these skills, I know you're doing your very best. I think what you're doing is great. Here's some things that I'm thinking about. Take it for what it's worth, right? Or if there is a feedback related to, you know, an evaluative kind of bit of information, it is asking them, how do they think they did, how can they help move things forward? So the feedback is agreeing with them or saying, all right, so what if we looked at it from this perspective? Would you change your mind about things? So evaluation and feedback from others can also help you identify how self-aware is that person asking them what they think about bits of information, but also seeing that if you have to deliver information that this isn't about, I win and you lose. Okay? And that's and that like we all are looking at, if I give you feedback, then I have dumped the responsibility on to you and I am free of the responsibility of it.

Andrea Frederickson: And instead of thinking, all right, if we're going to find ways to make things better, here's some things to consider. Here's some ideas. What other ideas do you have? What kind of conversations are we bringing forth and how can I help you? Okay, on the receiving side. Somebody gives you information, somebody takes the information, takes the time and has the guts to give you information. You know, do you do you wrinkle your face in bitter beer face because you disagree with it or you're thinking or, you know, they're receiving that information back to them and, you know, how do we say thank you and then ask some clarifying questions? Leave, consider it. Look for more evidence for it. Not necessarily looking for evidence against it. Yeah. And then and maybe even asking other people, what do you think? And don't go ask the people who you know will just give you what you want to hear. But go find the information and say, you know, there's probably some truth to that. You know, maybe the way it was delivered wasn't great, but the way the information that was delivered is probably there's some truth to that. And so how do you you take that information?

Michelle Hill: Well, in finding the person or people who you one one trust, getting feedback from them, making sure they're really honest, but also sometimes finding that person who may be you guys see things differently. Maybe you kind of even butt heads a little bit and asking them for feedback because based off of the history, they're probably going to at least give you their perspective. Their perspective is what they believe to be true. So that's what we really have to consider, whether that we like it or we believe it, it's like, well, if they believe it to be true, who else believes this to be true? Right?

Andrea Frederickson: What we're really doing is we're closing the gap between intention versus perception. That's what feedback is. And recognizing that when somebody gives you feedback, they're either giving you that feedback because they're simply wanting to appreciate you. Take it. Don't be embarrassed by it. Just say thank you. Right. If they're giving you information that they believe is going to help you stay. Thank you. Look at what parts of that you might want to take in. Do more investigation. Be a little bit curious about why they might be saying that or if it's an evaluative kind of bit of feedback, finding out why the score is the way it is and really consider how that information is being perceived on their end versus your end and look for ways. How can we change that score to be better to to improve, to be something that really people can help with? I really believe that that making sure people understand that when they're receiving feedback, you know, that that they're judging what people are giving you. But also as you're giving feedback to other people that they're judging how it's being delivered. So I think that, you know, we can go into a lot of different episodes on this, but I think this is a really good start. On just receiving feedback as a leader and recognizing the two different sides that people are taking information out of those different lenses. Yeah. Thanks again for joining us on the Leadership Hustle. And don't forget to subscribe.