One on One Meetings: The Unexpected Reason Yours Fail

This is a written Transcription for the Leadership Hustle episode about One on One Meeting: The Unexpected Reason Yours Fail, from Season 1 Episode 7.

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Andrea Frederickson: On this episode of The Leadership Hustle. We'll talk about the two different kinds of one on ones and how they're misunderstood and help you understand what employees are looking for or need in those individual conversations. Hello and welcome to the Leadership Puzzle. For executives whose companies are growing fast and need leaders who are ready. All right. Hey, welcome back to the next episode of The Leadership Hustle. I'm Andrea Fredrickson and I have Michelle Hill here with me as my co-host. Today. We're talking about the misunderstood one on ones. You know, we ask any time we ask a leader, do you do one on ones with your employees? The answer is always yes. And then we start peeling back and going a little deeper into that subject. And then we realize people do not understand what one on ones really are and how, you know, they are completely misunderstood.

Michelle Hill: So, yes, well, just Andrea, coming from our perspective and what we do with coaching, identify for our audience, what are the two types of one on ones that we typically refer to? Right.

Andrea Frederickson: So we have the two types. One is the project check in. It is, you know, what are you working on? What goals do you have as far as your projects and how are things going? And it's just an update on on projects. And most people, that's what they think one on ones are because we're having a conversation 1 to 1, that's fine. We need to have those. The second episode, the second type of one on one though, is even more driven by the employee where it is. What is it that they are trying to do developmentally? Like what are they trying to do? What is their what are their goals? What is getting in the way? What are the things that we're doing that's preventing them? And but it's really driven by the employee on how they're developing as an individual. So those are the two that we pay attention to. But most people don't do the second one. But if they do, it's only at evaluation time. Yes. And that is not enough. So they need they need more. They need those frequently. And in fact, we recommend that, especially when a person is new into a role, those one on ones happen a little bit more frequently, but no less than quarterly. But we really recommend that people have one on ones monthly and talk a little bit about how they're doing in that process so well.

Michelle Hill: And also it's it's what are their goals but it's it's when you think about why do people leave organizations one of the one of the number one reasons that pops up we'll just say in the top five is they don't feel or believe there's opportunity for growth. Right. So if we're not having conversations with our people to find out where do you know first, find out what do we need to do to help coach them to be really, really freaking good at their job? Right, Right. It's not about jumping into another job quickly. It's it's just be really good at your job. And it takes years for someone to be really, really good. But then it's while that's happening, what do they aspire? What do they want to try? What are getting them engaged in the organization differently? And then it is where when they are beginning, you know, they're kind of stepping into that confidence and and doing well. It's Well, what are the parts of the business of the organization are they interested in? Do they have questions about do they want to kind of look into because what are those opportunities that we can develop them? Right. So when you think about the different conversations that you have or have had, sorry, what are some of, you know, what's a good scenario that you bump into with those one on ones when you're talking to leaders and organizations where they just push back maybe on it?

Andrea Frederickson: Well, so those leaders you know, I remember this, this gentleman saying, I talk to my people all the time, like sometimes it's multiple times a day. But for sure, every day I talk to them. So they think that those are the one on ones, Right. So I don't have time to have this other conversation. Right. And so if I'm having a conversation with somebody every single day about what they're doing, let's talk about micromanagement. That's another episode we need to add to to our list of of topics. But the push back is they believe that they need to control the conversation. And so in one on ones, it's where does the employee want to go? What do they aspire to? I remember asking, this is years and years ago when one of our coworkers came to work with us and I asked her the question, So you know, what things do you want to learn to do? What do you want to try? And I remember her looking at me like, What? Isn't that your job? To tell me what my development should be and where I should go and what my next position will be. And and it took me a while to get that out of her because she thought I wasn't doing my job. And so the pushback for some leaders is they're saying, well, I just need to tell them what they should do and how they should do that. And I'm like, that's not leading. That's telling. Right? And so the idea is getting people to start thinking about what is it that they want to do. Or try or be or become or experience like. Those are the kinds of things. And some of those things can be at work, but it doesn't hurt to have the conversation of things that they want to do or try outside of work, because there may be things that with that we can do inside of our organizations to help promote those opportunities or adjacent activities to help them accomplish that.

Michelle Hill: Yes, Well, and you know, in previous episodes, we've talked about the importance and why we need to build trust. Right. And when you think about it, just at the core there, where, you know, the goal of of these one on ones is helping people start thinking, being intentional, to think about developing themselves and growing and because it's going to help them really navigate and be a better person and having those conversations and nudging right and asking some questions to get them thinking, that also starts showing that you care. It also starts showing that you're interested and that you value them. And so there were we're now sending that foundation as well for building building trust. But it a big piece of it, though, is helping that employee, helping both parties understand what it looks like. Kind of like what does this look like, what's expected of both parties. Right. Because when that that leader is doing all the talking, it it's more about them, not about the employee. So like you mentioned that story. Well, yeah, I talk to them every day and we talk about this and so forth. Well, that's really about you, not them, right? These are about them and letting them bring to the discussion. So as a leader, you don't have to prepare because that's the other like deer in the headlights I get is like, you want me to have these monthly you much work that's going to take and it's like work to listen.

Andrea Frederickson: Work to have a relationship with the person that you lead. Yeah.

Michelle Hill: It's like really that takes work because you really don't have to do anything you might want to follow. I mean, you definitely want to follow up on previous discussions, right? But that still doesn't work. You should have those notes somewhere and be able to check in on how are those how are those things going and what are thoughts, what's working? What do you not you know, what do you not really like? Or did you even get a chance to, you know, maybe participate in something? Right. But it's it's helping people truly understand that how how they come prepared. It's more about the individual coming prepared, not the manager.

Andrea Frederickson: Right. Right. So, Michelle, you do a lot of leadership development. And in our leadership development classes, we assign the person going through the class. So all those newer or experienced leaders and managers to talk to the person they report to in between those sessions. Tell me some of the stories that you've heard as it relates to those that have found benefit in doing that. Like what happens during those conversations that people that are in the class. So the the, the learners, the learner is telling you that, oh, my gosh, you know, we're having these conversations. What are some of those stories?

Michelle Hill: Well, it's it's not uncommon to to get both from the learners. And I'm going to refer to their manager as their coach. But both parties oftentimes will be like, wow, we really had I really had some good conversations. They were teaching me things because the idea behind the learner meeting with their manager, it's simply that again, the manager doesn't need to do anything. It's just simply, what are you learning, you know, what did you take away from that session? What was important to you? How would you apply it? Right. That's those are the basic questions, right? And it's about now giving the learner an opportunity to continue to learn and develop their knowledge about what it was that was important to them by telling and explaining it to their boss. And now they get to kind of make it their own, too, right? And that relationship comes into more of a conversation. And both parties really like, yeah, that was actually really helpful. Or I learned more about my manager because I was explaining this and how I thought about this, and they hadn't thought about that either. And now that got them thinking. So they become a little more of a dialogue that goes back and forth, not a one sided conversation, right? I also get oftentimes from a manager, they will.

Andrea Frederickson: The coach.

Michelle Hill: Yeah, the coach. Thank you. The coach. They will actually if they haven't had someone go through a program in a while, they get kind of antsy in the sense of I need to get someone through it because it just keeps me thinking differently. It keeps me going. Right, Right. And so they enjoy having those discussions, which they didn't realize. The other thing is people will have a tendency because we meet for such a long period of time to keep up those meetings, right? Because they start finding value in them. Right, Right. And so they will continue to do them afterwards.

Andrea Frederickson: So those so those one on ones then also provide the opportunity that when somebody is struggling with maybe an employee that they're leading or a coworker, that that coach can ask the question, So what have we tried? They can help remove some barriers. We. Which in any one on one it doesn't require a person going through a course to start having one on ones. Right. That's not the point. The point is the one on ones. And what are the things that people are discovering? And I know that when I have those kind of environments set up where people are starting to do these one on one conversations, that they now figure out that the assumptions they had about their learner or the person that they lead have been dispelled because they hear how people are thinking, how they're solving problems, and people evolve. I mean, they're not the same that they were the day they were hired, right?

Michelle Hill: Hopefully not.

Andrea Frederickson: And and so these one on ones really help people to shift down and get off that proverbial treadmill. Right. And it's like instead of doing these tactical meetings, just really work through the idea of what's getting in the way or how can we overcome something or what if we wanted two kinds of thinking and do a little bit of dreaming to help that person recognize we believe in them? Yes, we're here to support them. What resources do they need to help accomplish what they're trying to accomplish or just to reflect on something that they read they've been reading or that they've been experiencing or learning? Because, you know, once we start talking about what we read or learn or we're going through now, we own it, right? And they get to talk about it and now we have a dialogue. It feels more peer like as opposed to I'm the boss. Yes. And you're not? Yes.

Michelle Hill: It definitely breaks that barrier of more of that. I want to say that equal peer kind of scenario where they start feeling safer and that they can when they feel safe, they then can bring up. I'm just really uncomfortable. I have to have this conversation or I'm noticing. I just chatted with I just had a conversation yesterday with this person and, you know, they had a conversation with a person who is a peer who they're training because they're taking over their position, some of their things that their responsibilities. And they were really struggling because that person they picked up quickly. Thank goodness that that person wasn't open for their feedback and that they wanted kind of a sounding board in our call to this is what I'm noticing, you know, and asking what? Tell me about some of the past conversations. What are other ideas, you know, how might you be misunderstanding some of that? Because going back to feedback, right, that feedback that you're receiving from that person and what can you do differently or adjust that's going to help you be more effective with that person? Right. And using those one on ones as kind of that sounding board. People pay for coaches all the time. As a manager developing your people, that's part of that's one of your biggest responsibilities is coaching your people. Right. And kind of going back to that statement, you know, I have has that person grown over the last year? If you've done your job, they've grown. If they haven't grown, let's look in the mirror. Exactly. Because there's something there that's, you know, that's not helping them grow. So it's a two party responsibility.

Andrea Frederickson: So so let's be clear. The the learner or the person that you lead is bringing the agenda to this meeting. And that doesn't mean that you as the coach don't have anything that you want to bring. Right. You know, if if there is a scenario that you're noticing that it's like, you know, let's talk a little bit about how it you know, how you're building your team. Does it feel like a real team or does it feel like a group of people and just having some of those conversations? Because that will help elevate the awareness that a person has in something. And so what kinds of things do you think we should do? So you're really doing your best at coaching, having these one on ones. And the agenda being driven by the employee doesn't negate the the manager or the coach being prepared. And so there's all kinds of questions that we promote to encourage these one on ones to be a little bit more robust. And you don't have to ask these questions every single time that you're in those conversations. But to look at those things and say, Is there something that I'm doing that might be preventing you from being as successful as you'd like? Now, we've had on a previous episode receiving feedback, right? And so when they, you know, have the guts to say, you know, Andrea, you interrupt me at the most inopportune times and you don't stop and say, I've got three things to talk to you about. Can we set an appointment that would really help me as opposed to being distracted by your random thought of the moment? Right. That feedback we like. You know what? You're right. I appreciate that. Let's you know I will. I will work on that better, right? Often, you know, often those times. Are there things that you are recommending to others that you know, whether it's a question or something that you want people to think about in preparing for those meetings?

Michelle Hill: Well, I believe when we think about one on ones, one, the identifying your intention and setting the stage. So with that employee having a conversation of what the one on ones are about is about them and their development and what that would look like and that your intention is for that growth. We're going to be working on that through this next year, I think scheduled. If you get them on the calendar, they tend to happen more often. If life happens and you have to change it, fine, but get them on the calendar. Otherwise they're going to find themselves, Oh, we meant to meet, but we just didn't get to it. Well, of course not. Right? It gets kicked.

Andrea Frederickson: Down the road and never.

Michelle Hill: Happens, right? Yeah, it doesn't happen. So, you know, getting them on the calendar And then I would say the that that third phase is for that manager slash coach. It's having having open ended questions. Also, I would say it's having an understanding of going back and reflecting on what was our last conversation, what were those things that we've talked about that was important to them? Do I have any feedback that I can provide as well if I didn't provide it during that? Right. But having those open ended questions to really get their people thinking and engaging them, but just taking a few minutes to kind of regroup on where were we, where did we leave off, what have I been noticing and how are things moving forward?

Andrea Frederickson: Well, and to be clear, we use open ended questions as a generic term for tell me the process you went to get here, you know, open statements that lead people to tell them to tell their side of the story as opposed to just closed end questions. Using open ended questions can sometimes feel like you're interrogating and which is not the intention. So just know that when we refer to open ended questions, we're talking about open statements as well. So a couple of other things that I have either used or I recommend in using is what what kinds of things would make it easier for you to do your job right, whether it's some kind of of automation or maybe there's too much noise, the cubicles are too close, we need some white noise. Or is there a is there some issue between them and a coworker? And so remember, the response is not when they bring that to you. It's like, I'll take care of it. It is. Let's coach. What have you done already and what would you think the next step would be? And is there how can I help? You have that conversation and opening up those kinds of things. I think it's also important to to recognize that there are things that that we could ask, such as if you were to leave, I don't want you to leave. What would cause you to leave? I love asking that question, not because I want them to leave, but if I don't know how something is getting in the way, I can't fix it.

Michelle Hill: Yes. So you're asking those open ended questions to really help help help them share with you some specific information.

Andrea Frederickson: What do you aspire to try? What do you aspire to be? Is there something that we can do to help you further your education? Know what kinds of things that we offer is is super important. So I think that, you know, let's let's wrapping up our session on one on ones the things that are misunderstood are check ins for projects. They're a type of one on ones, but they are status updates more so than anything else and have those whatever frequency you need, but just make sure that you're not over managing or micromanaging the person. Second is that these one on ones that we're talking about related to employee development are the things that the employees want. They're driven by the employees. Make sure that they're scheduled, make sure that they're the ones having the information, bringing the information. And at first they're going to feel a little wonky. They're just not going to be comfortable. They're just got to get a rhythm. And so, you know, if you have other questions, you know, related to these one on ones, we would be happy to share, to share our thoughts. You can find us in the show notes below. But, you know, as we wrap this up, we really appreciate the fact that you're listening to the leadership hustle. And don't forget to subscribe so you don't miss another.